Archive for December, 2009

01
Dec
09

Refreshed

It’s been a real blessing experiencing YWAM for almost a whole year! Volunteering is not a new work for me but my life here has brought me to a realization that I’ve been selfish for the years I’ve spent in seeking for the “truth.” For now it’s more of contentment and just being happy of what I would be granted to all my good deeds. But the question is: Was God happy with what I’ve been doing in my life?

I’m referred as an infant in the Christian context. And right now I’m eagerly agreeing with my personality healing to look after the needs of others rather than minding what I really want to do. I have plans. I want to succeed in the fields of art. I want to gain immortality through art. I want people to understand me through my art. But all those things brought me to despair. I question people’s abilities. I’ve been a cynic. I loved mocking. However, now that I’ve given up everything for God my past lifestyle is trying to bite me. Well it did bit me, with more contempt than to what I’ve expected. I’ve felt a little shame and guilt and regret the moment I gave up what I really like. While I was raising funds for my DTS school fees I’ve been asking friends how to raise support or something and what will I do. Then they’d just laughed at me and told me that I’m sober that’s why I couldn’t think well as to what I’m used to. I’ve had a bitter taste especially when it comes to people that I bumped in to. I particularly don’t like self righteous; mister and miss do good hypocrites. And I’ve found them mostly as to what they’d claim themselves as “Christians” [no specific denomination—may it be wherever you may find them. Even Catholics are pain in the ass. They’re mostly church workers to be specific and I could count in missionaries in that matter.]

During the dilemma days on getting authentically involve with YWAM or merely continue my huge dream of becoming immortal in the fields of art, I’ve come to realize that the world needs real people. I hate to say this but most of the people I tend to trust and love betrayed me in any forms. The time I’ve lost my one desire to live in accordance to God’s will, everyone just drift away [my family is not excluded in this matter.] I’m likely to be a happy person but at this point in time I’ve felt that having people around me seems like an obligation and not really having a genuine relationship. Being surrounded also by people who’s working with such a huge crowd and having a lot of shall we say “responsibility” to help as being called to do so is a disappointment—I expected too much. I just don’t feel like them. I tend to loosen up my own me just to adjust in every circumstances but it seems to be dull.

I’m not trying to make myself correct and being corrected in return. This human tangibility is a great reminder of me being alive. I’m supposed to celebrate! Indeed I will. Without any further misconceptions all the things that I’ve been through is a lesson. I’ve never consider myself as a good talker and a good communicator. I don’t have any form of movement that pertains to how I should express myself aside from being alone. So at this point in time while more often I have a more convenient time to write; it’s much easier to just say something that’s within me. But not the whole sense [I believe.] There’s just no point in regard to extend more gratitude with the fact.

I particularly entitled this essay “Refreshed” to remind me that all these things happened for a reason. I never thought I could believe in something bigger than myself and I never thought I could rely on nothingness from time to time. And in the stillness I am bound to pray. I never really thought I’d be renewed and alive again. I thought the value of things is through the knowledge that I can gain through my own quest for science. I am blessed to be a blessing. As of now, nothing is extinguish to forgotten but merely lessons that in everything that I’ve been through I know I am forgiven and because of God’s faithfulness in me, all the things that I’ve been through especially those pity party moments are part of growing up. It’s hard to question when you don’t know the real answers on why do I have to ask those silly questions when in fact everything’s just made to be “as is.”

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