20
Nov
09

Cold from being Called

I can feel my skin peeled and stretched consecutively. I’m fully aware of this feeling of boredom. I am bound again—bound to submit to the authority. To whom I am in awe for a couple of months of trying to get away from my wretchedness. Yet here I am again bored—unsatisfied, trying to get away from the common routine of this community.

I want even just one shot of rum to clear my throat or a pack of Marlboro to less the shaken or an iced cold beer! Oh my! My mind’s been wondering for sometime now. I want to see what the real world is like. I want to hear the rhythm of the new generation, the shape of every nation. I don’t want to just dream. I’ve been dreaming for almost 28 years. Now here I am, mouth wide open. Bum; having a dilemma between hang-out with my silly best friend and his band or read another book of insight to enhance my capacity or rather capability in regard to the spiritual realm in the context of Christianity, as to what they would want to happened to me; that I may be able to change my way of thinking—though this is not a quality term for me, I agreed in the first concept but the sense of being able to ingest other people’s idea in terms of ethics and world view  is quite hard and totally a pain in the ass.

The moment I got into this whole mission thing my so-called life became a memory. It was a total dive in to a new world. New People, New Acquaintances, New Places, New Religion per say, New Lifestyle and so on… I thought I could never find my way in but I did. It was a total submission. Definitely, rehabilitation.

What I did expect in the first place was to do good works and spend time to find what it means to be alive. Well, this was the corniest thing about a person having a death dream I presume.

eah I’ve been trying to figure out what will it be like when I am done with living. I’ve had it fix during my philosophy class in college. Being asked to make an epitaph I found it easier to answer the assignment. That’s how enthusiastic I was with dying. And I sounded like a “rockstar” while answering those peculiar questions. That was around 2001 and I’ve answered 2009 the day after my 27th birthday I’m going to die. For years after that juvenile class I kept myself in tact—trying to fix my life through curling up with good books, play football, hanging out with friends and do art miserably. I quit school to pursue my passion for art and ended up being the cause of problem to my family particularly with my aunt and my father.  I’ve lost my scholarship because I quit school without any notice I just want to enjoy life yet my definition to it doesn’t coincide with normal people’s viewpoint. I thought life was just that easy but I made it more complicated. Alas, I need to please more people than I used to.

As my days of conclusion moves a little bit fast forwarded I finally got a degree and I thought to myself that was going to be “life.” But no—those busyness from schooling and being hook with the norms made me speculate the certain state of bliss that I have in the context of my accepted wisdom. I’ve missed some few spots. And one of it was to take a friend in to the light—a light which pertains to the truth and consequence. She became an irrevocable loss. I couldn’t do anything to restore her. It was too late for me to intervene.

However, while I was grieving for her loss, my have been moved by good works and the meaning of living again. That made me involve into this whole mission thing. And I’ve finally got over with my death dream. Prayer is a good thing. That’s what I can guarantee.

Thus far there are certain things that just don’t fit in accordance of my existence. I’m having much of these “go against” alter egos. I’m merely human. Moral values would remain to be moral whether we like it or not. What I couldn’t understand is that why do some of the people here just could get hold of their own selves and just don’t get into some other people’s nerves. It’s bullshitting me. They just couldn’t get away without minding other people’s business. Sometimes, it’s much easier to live with people who don’t even give a damn whether you’re wearing short shorts or high and dry.

I thought I’ve found the place where I’m supposed to be steady. I don’t think so.

So Help me God.

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1 Response to “Cold from being Called”


  1. March 16, 2011 at 10:21 pm

    Only in the secret place of God we find stability in our lives. “Better is one day in Your court than thousand elsewhere” as the psalmist’s heart cried.
    We can only be steady if we have settled every issues in our hearts in the light of God’s Truth and in the power of His CROSS.

    There is a place that I know where I need more often to go.
    Its a place of amazing comfort and rest, where a smile is never rare
    and His love is as free as the air. And i lack for nothing when i can see the love in His eyes. I know that its all for me!
    I fear nothing at all when I’m safe in the arms of my FATHER
    And if ever I fall, I take comfort in knowing that HE IS THERE!


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